Motherhood: Having an Only Child?

It seems that once you have a child, all you can do is dream about them day and night.  You are overflowing with boundless love for them, bringing out your phone to share photos any chance you get.  Talking with complete strangers about all of the awesome things they are doing.  Relishing in their soft breathing as you tuck them in at night.  Closing your eyes tightly, trying so hard to imprint all of these precious moments in your brain forever, so afraid they will slip through your fingers.  It's a very wonderful, exhausting and strange thing-this new love I have for my small baby creature child.  It's all I can do to hold it together, my heart constantly on fire about to explode.

This is why, when I get the familiar question (familiar lately, at least) "Are you going to have another baby?" I nervously smile and shudder a bit inside.  The question elicits so many emotions for me, none of which I am ready to face only nine months post-partum.  Sure, it has been a long nine months...but, it is truly a short time in the overall scheme of things.  The thought of pregnancy (which, I did love!), birth and caring for another tiny, helpless babe makes my head ache!  Makes my insides somersault with fear, anxiety and utter exhaustion.  Maybe I am just weird.  Maybe I am the only one who feels this way?  Am I?  Am I crazy?

I love my little one so much.  I am a first time mama, and so I feel an over-kill sensation to do the best I can for him.  I want to, simply, give my child the most that I can give.  And, I am not sure my abilities are up to par as a mother to do this and have another child.  Quite frankly, it scares the crap out of me to even think about having another baby (especially anytime soon!).  I struggle inside with feeling this way: is it because it's way too soon to be thinking of another baby & that's why I am quick to say no way?  Are my hormones still all wonky?  Am I being selfish?  Do I have to have another baby?  What will people think?  Is having an only child a bad thing?  The over-analyization goes on and on.

My argument is this: there is no rule book that says all people must have more than one child.  And, if I change my mind, we can try for another one.  I am still pretty young-ish, right!  I also keep telling myself that I have no reason to feel bad or guilty about this decision.  It's what feels right for me and my little family at the moment.  And, I support those families that have lots of children!  I just do not want to juggle a toddler and a baby-not sure if I can (I'm sure I could if I had to and those mom's who do it are beyond amazing in my book!).  I mean, I can barely remember to eat lunch or go the bathroom most days!  I am craving sanity and taking deep breaths and caring for myself and loving on my only-child baby right now.  That is enough.

I can't bring myself to look too far ahead right now.  I can only take one day at a time.  One step at a time, really.  Right now I am content to devote all the love I have in my heart to my only son.  It feels good to watch him grow and I am so excited for what each month holds.  If there is another baby in our future (way in the future, thank you) I hope I will be ready and I know I will have a whole new set of fresh love to give.  After I catch up on my sleep for a few years.  Just saying.

What are your honest thought on this subject?  Are you ready for another baby?  Are you planning for one?  Am I crazy?

xo, B